Growing and Changing with Attachment Styles

Valentine’s Day is a day full of love, celebrating all the different relationships in our lives. During this time, it is common to reflect on our relationship dynamics and the way they present. Whether it’s with your children, parents, or partner, your dynamics are influenced by individual attachment styles. While this term may sound familiar from online discussions, there is more to learn than the buzzwords and oversimplified examples often shared.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, suggests that people are born with an attachment system; it emphasizes the importance of nurturing this system during early childhood. How this system is treated in those early developmental stages directly impacts thoughts and behaviours later in life, particularly in how individuals respond during times of need. Parents hold the role of attachment figure in infancy and early childhood. This role is typically transferred to friends or romantic partners in later childhood and adolescence. Though a child may go to teacher, coaches, or other family members for support, their attachment figure is the first person they would go to for support and emotional balance in times of distress to feel the safest.

There are 4 attachment styles outlined in Bowlby’s theory. The first is Secure Attachment where children are able to build healthy, long-lasting relationship in which they feel safe and confident. Adults with secure attachment are able to trust others, open up emotionally, communicate effectively, regulate their emotions, feel comfortable spending time alone, manage conflict in a healthy way, and seek support when needed. The second is Anxious Attachment characterized by children who become extremely distraught if separated from parents, distrust strangers, and may worry their family or friends don’t love them. Adults with anxious attachment style often have low self-esteem, feel unworthy, are highly sensitive to criticism, seeks approval, feels jealous, and fears abandonment or rejection. The third style is Avoidant Attachment where children do not seek comfort from their parents and will generally not show a preference between family and strangers. An adult with avoidant attachment style may have less interest in relationships, be overly independent, dismiss others easily, have difficulty committing, and feel uncomfortable when people try to get close. The final style is Disorganized Attachment in which children may appear confused most of the time and may often fear something bad is going to happen. This attachment style is often associated with victims of abuse, trauma or neglect. Adults with disorganized attachment may exhibit unpredictable behaviour, crave love and connection while simultaneously fear it at the same time. They may be distrusting of others, struggling to regulate their emotions, fearing rejections, and they may display characteristics of both anxious and avoidant styles.

What might this look like in parent-child relationships? As mentioned, the attachment figure typically begins as a parent or guardian. Children learn through memories, beliefs, and expectations about how caregivers will react. A parent that makes themselves available for their children’s needs, validated their feelings, offers comfort, gets involved in their interests, and spends quality time with their child will usually foster a secure attachment within their child. The child will feel safe and be able to go to their parent in times of distress. Additionally, the interactions a parent has with their children will affect their relationship in adulthood. Anxious attachment style often will result in an adult who looks for approval from their parent, which may result in a dependent relationship. Contrarily, avoidant attachment style often will result in an adult who limit interactions with their parents, viewing them as an untrustworthy person. Adults with secure attachment will be able to rely on their parents and will feel comfortable confiding in them. Insecurely attached adults may become either too involved or too distant with parents and may struggle to set healthy boundaries. Through therapy and a strong commitment from both parent and child, relationships can be repaired in later life.

What can this look like in romantic relationships? As previously mentioned, attachment styles serve as the framework for how adults’ approach romantic relationships. Someone with a secure attachment has a higher level of interdependence, trust, commitment, and overall satisfaction in relationships compared to those with insecure attachment styles. Adults with anxious attachment styles try to ease their fear of abandonment within relationships, seeing their partner as the solution to their anxiety. These partners may become clingier and demanding and constantly asking for reassurance that they are loved. Additionally, they are often hypervigilant of possible threats to their safety and might believe their partner is less invested in the relationship than they are. In contrast, adults with avoidant attachment styles tend to avoid depending on others and do not seek approval. They may evade emotional closeness by supressing their feelings during emotional situations. Research indicates that these adults are described as less ego resilient and more hostile by their peers. Fortunately, there are strategies to help foster a secure attachment style for your children and steps you can take to develop a more secure attachment style yourself.

In order to foster a secure attachment in your children, it is important to be a dependable and reassuring presence that they can turn to in times or distress. Strategies to support this include, remaining calm and soothing them during their distress, responding flexibly to their needs, and modeling emotional regulation. One of the underlying and most effective ways to build this attachment style in your child is to practice it yourself. By modeling aspects of a secure attachment, you teach your child to build self-confidence, trust others, handle conflict, and maintain hope for the future. To move towards a more secure attachment style, consider improving your nonverbal communication skills, developing your emotional intelligence, building relationships with securely attached people, and addressing childhood trauma. Improving nonverbal communication skills can involve being fully present in the moment, learning to effectively interpret body language, To boost your emotional intelligence, focus on exploring how well you self-manage impulses, increasing self-awareness of your own thoughts and actions, understanding your social awareness and how comfortable you are in social situations, and learning to resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner. Building relationships with people who are securely attached can provide the opportunity to recognize and adopt their positive behaviours. Addressing childhood trauma can be challenging, but seeking professional support, such as therapy, can facilitate the process of healing and help establish a healthy attachment style.

References

Robinson, L., Dr. Segal, J. & Dr. Jaffe, J. (2026, February 3). Attachment styles and how they affect adult relationships. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/attachment-and-adult-relationships

Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2009). An overview of adult attachment theory. Attachment theory and research in clinical work with adults, 17-45.Attachment

Simpson, J. A. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology, 59(5), 971.

The Attachment Project. (2020, July 2). Attachment styles & their role in our adult relationships. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Cleveland Clinic. (2023, August 4). Attachment styles in infancy & adulthood. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/25170-attachment-styles.