5 Steps to Help Your Teen with Self-Esteem

Teenage years can be hard for everyone, especially those with puberty in full swing and social dynamics changing. Emotions are running high and pressure to plan for the future is beginning to rise. During this time, many parents see drastic changes in behaviours. It’s at this time that self-esteem can be affected by various things and can subsequently impact their self-esteem into adulthood.

Self-esteem is the way someone thinks about themselves; it involves believing in and trusting oneself, their abilities and ideas. It is understanding and accepting who they are. Self-esteem impacts healthy risk-taking behaviours, decision making, ability to self-advocate, and mental health. High self-esteem reflects that a person feels accepted and proud of who they are. Low self-esteem reflects that someone can be hard on themselves and can be thinking they’re not good enough. As a guardian of a teen, how can you help?

1. Seeing the Warning Signs

There are some signs that may suggest your teen is struggling with lower self-esteem. It is important to note that, unless they communicate it directly, it is difficult to know how someone is feeling. Some teens at this age may not even know themselves. Research indicates there are some things that influence the likelihood to develop high self-esteem.

Childhood obesity and extended periods of time spent watching television have been associated with lower self-esteem. Contrarily, participating in team sports and strong school/cognitive performance have been seen to be indicators of higher self-esteem. Additionally, studies indicate that teens who attribute life outcomes to external forces like luck, fate or the actions of others tend to have lower self-esteem compared to those who attribute life outcomes to their own skill or effort.

Another prominent indicator is behavioural problems. Behaviours such as sudden anger followed by guilt and shame, manipulating situation to get support, people-pleasing, and even substance abuse may suggest that they are attempting to understand and accept themselves or may reflect a lack of confidence in who they are. Some behaviours to look out for are a reluctance to take healthy risks (i.e., auditioning, trying out, asking someone out, exploring developmentally appropriate steps), difficulty asserting themselves and saying no to peer pressure, and avoiding confrontation even to the point of letting others overstep boundaries.

2. Understanding the Roots

Once you notice your teen might have low self-esteem, it’s important to understand the root causes of self-esteem. Studies have shown that one of the most influential factors is body image. This could be affected by social media and societal pressure to fit in. Social media often leads teens to compare their lives to a distorted image of reality that can impact their thoughts and feelings about themselves. Giving into peer pressure can lead to feelings of guilt and shame. If a teen rejects peer pressure, they can feel embarrassed or being outcast from peers. During this highly emotional and uncertain developmental stage, those peer interactions play an important role in shaping a teen’s identity. Any challenges to their identity can shake how they view themselves and can potentially lower their self-esteem. Comparing themselves to others can cause negative self-talk, which in turn leads to believing the self-talk resulting in poor self-perception.

Parenting plays a role in every aspect of a child’s life as they grow and self-esteem is no different. How a parent talks to their child shapes how that teen will think about themselves. Criticisms regarding their body or identity can cause them to have self-doubt or self-criticism into adolescence and even adulthood if not addressed. Experiencing adverse childhood experiences, such as abuse or abandonment, can also contribute a low self-esteem in the teenage years. Additionally, preexisting mental health condition can impact their self-image as they navigate understanding a diagnosis. The good news is there are strategies for both you and your teen that can help!

3. Laying the Foundation

Before considering the specific strategies, it is important to understand how to approach your teen. Child development experts recommend that parents should come into any conversation ready to listen, ask a few questions without prying and avoid making their teen feel pressured to share. Parents should also validate a teen’s feelings and show trust by acknowledging their perspective and taking them seriously. While managing one’s own emotions can be challenging, it is essential when discussing serious topics with your teen.

Before having a serious conversation, it is important to establish a relationship involving mutual respect, good communication and trust. Incorporating regular conversational routines can help nurture this type of relationship. For example, shared meals, running errands together, car rides, family meetings after work or school, etc. Demonstrating that you trust and respect your teen is a daily choice that will allow for the serious discussions to flow easier, avoiding the atmosphere of interrogation or heightened emotions.

4. Things You Can Do for or With Your Teen

While you cannot control everything your teen does, there are ways to support them as a guardian. Surrounding them with people who lift them up and encourage them with a lot of positive reinforcement. This includes avoiding interacting or having people in the home that offer harsh criticisms such as nit picking, highlighting areas for improvement rather than effort. This does not include only surrounding your teen with “cheerleaders” or those who will support them even when constructive criticism is appropriate. When in doubt, ensure that your house guests align with your family values and treat your child with respect. Additionally, keeping your feedback constructive and focused on specific behaviours and not their core identity is helpful in boosting their self-esteem.

As a parent, it is important to provide consistent positive reinforcement and providing more positive feedback than negative. A common strategy for this is the “criticism sandwich”, which involves opening with a compliment or praise, delivering constructive criticism, and closing with appreciation. Acknowledging and complimenting your teen on their unique identity and differences can help counteract identity criticisms that they may experience from others. Modelling things such as accepting your own mistakes with grace, helping others, focusing on what is working, learning new skills, taking accountability, positive social media interactions and avoiding perfectionist tendencies provides the teen a framework for building high self-esteem.

Providing them with opportunities to learn from mistakes, participate in clubs or groups matches their interests, and self-identify strengths and weaknesses will promote strong competency and, consequently, boost self-esteem. These are things that can create a more cemented and accepted identity. Additionally, an important part of being in a child and teen’s life is the concept of unconditional positive regard, which involves consistently showing someone they are inherently worthy by completely supporting and accepting them without judgment regardless of behaviour. This is shown to your teen in all actions and affects the relationship previous discussed.

5. Things Your Teen Can Do

Unfortunately, you can’t fix your teens self-esteem all on your own. There are things your teen can do to foster their own self-esteem and confidence. Many of these things can be modelled by their trusted adult, while others may require guidance either from a parent or a mental health professional. It is important that these strategies are supported by the adults in their lives.

As a teen, it is challenging to accept what isn’t perfect, but it’s important to remember their inherent worth. When they start focusing on what is going well and practicing positive self-talk, we can see that their self-esteem is beginning to grow. Helping others and learning new skills are two ways that teens can foster their confidence by themselves.

In conclusion, being an adult in a teen’s life presents an opportunity to positively influence their self-esteem during a time that their confidence may be the most challenged. By seeing the warning signs, understanding the roots, laying the foundation, and supporting them through strategies such as creating positive environments, using the “criticism sandwich”, encouraging the

ir individuality, modelling high self-esteem, providing opportunities for growth and demonstrating unconditional positive regard, you are helping your teen gain confidence in themselves.

References

Araujo, G. (ed.) (2023) How can I improve my self-esteem? (for teens). KidsHealth. https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/self-esteem.html

Beresin, E., (2022) Low self-esteem in adolescents: What are the root causes? Psychology Today.https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/inside-out-outside-in/202206/low-self-esteem-in-adolescents-what-are-the-root-causes

Cheng, H., & Furnham, A. (2017). Early indicators of self-esteem in teenagers: Findings from a nationally representative sample. Personality and Individual Differences, 116, 139-143.

Chettiar (no date) 5 roots of low self-esteem in teens and the long-term effects. Chettiar Counselling And Associates.https://chettiarcounselling.ca/blog/low-self-esteem-in-teens-roots-and-effects

Ehmke, R. (2025). Tips for communicating with your teen. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/tips-communicating-with-teen/

McClure, A. C., Tanski, S. E., Kingsbury, J., Gerrard, M., & Sargent, J. D. (2010). Characteristics associated with low self-esteem among US adolescents. Academic pediatrics, 10(4), 238-244.

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